Pupil is constricted by a boa of iris
Shadowed and glazed is thy distorted gaze
Living with you is watching the movement
of gyres
I feel so completely awful and horrid.
It wasn’t my fault, that is all I keep telling myself. It all happened so fast, I might have been speeding, I don’t know, I didn’t look at my speedometer. I have felt so bad all day, I just keep getting repeated images in my head. The worst part was its condition; lame, incoherent, seemingly paralyzed, he was still in his body. He wasn’t gone, but the second worse, he was barely there.
Why do people describe their loved ones as their “rock.” Rocks are heavy, dense, boring, and rough. Sure sure there is the metaphor that they keep you down to earth I guess, but who wants that. I don’t.
It seems that the emotional pain is starting to manifest itself in my physical body.
I am so frustrated with her, she has ruined everything in her life, and she is negatively impacting the whole family. I can’t stand her and her incessant leeching from the ones she is supposed to love.
I may have too high of expectations,
but what the fuck? What am I waiting for? What am I doing? What should I do? I sincerely do not know.
You “warned” me.
Supposedly. He told me, this would work out if it was in different circumstances. What would work out, I urged. Us, he replied. I ignorantly assumed that he would be around enough for me to truly get attached. And for awhile I was, until now. I realize now what I got myself into, now that the error in my decision has actually surfaced.
We got together while he was in the marines. I thought it was all cute and dandy, I thought it would be all romantic like a movie, a sort of forbidden love. But no, not at all. It hurts. Week after week being told that he will see me, and then when it is actually Friday, he tells me, well we might not be able to hang out this weekend. And might not always means will not. Whether he doesn’t have a ride to leave the base, or he is doing some fitness test, or his unit is back, or he needs to run obscure errands. I am losing the feelings that I had for him, they did not get the chance to be deeply ingrained enough. If the circumstances were different, if he wasn’t in the marines, or even if we had established a relationship before he enlisted, this would have worked out. I know it’s not his fault, but I just feel he is trying to hang on to me even though he doesn’t have a sturdy grip on me. And I am stuck because I can’t do to him what Cassandra did to him. I have this guilt that would follow me. I admit I am too immature for this, I have never been in a serious relationship and throwing this complex of a relationship at me with no prior experience is a potentially deleterious situation. I like him, a lot, more than any other guy I have ever liked. But being away from him for three weeks has proven very difficult, and taking on another two weeks, making it five weeks apart, is much too volatile for a budding relationship.
I really like willow trees.
